It’s that time of year again. Time for rush hour traffic to once again creep like molasses for the civilians in buses’ wakes. Time for back to school JC Penney ad campaigns with pre-teen girls wearing matching hats and striped leggings (though a pair of low-slung jeans is really where it’s at, yo). Back to school season evokes much emotion in me and somehow reminds me of my old Trapper Keeper. Do they still make those? Anyone?

Yes, it’s back to school time, and I admit I’m breathing a tiny sigh of relief because I know how hard it is to gear up for a new a year in the classroom–any classroom. I’m sure there will be things I’ll miss about being an educator (namely my students and unbelievable colleagues), but saying good-bye to summer in the beginning of August is not one of them, friends. No siree.

So this one’s going out to my fellow teaches “(who) gotta go back, back, back to school again. Whoa, whoa, (they) gotta go… back to school again!” (Ahhh. Grease IS the word.)

Just remember teaches: you’re not defined by the four walls of your classroom. You’ve just had the most raucous summer any student could dream up for you… that is, if students actually believed you existed outside of school grounds.

If I could, I’d give you each a “bouquet of newly sharpened pencils” via You’ve Got Mail. (I think it’s a prerequisite for teaches to adore and collect school supplies.) Thing is, I wouldn’t want to rob you of shopping on your school district’s dime. Yeah, for pencils! and dry erase markers! and mounds and mounds of copy paper. 

School’s back in session, peeps, and I’m going to let the civilians in on some of the teaching world’s secrets “(you), the (teaches) of the United States of America, in order to form, a more perfect (classroom)…” might not share due to professional decorum. But I can… Because there are a whole bunch of dirty little secrets, yes there are. Folks, you cannot imagine, fathom or even entertain the thought–oh, who am I kidding? We’re educators. We like working with kids. And although there are some really difficult days, weeks, months, or yes, even years, at the end of the day, we care about what happens to kids. End of story. You didn’t think we were in it for the money did you?

Without further ado, I give you “The Top 11 Things Teachers (of adolescents, at least)Wish You Knew”:

1. Possible urinary tract infections: You can no longer urinate when you want or need to do so. If you absolutely need to answer nature’s call, you’ll have to ask someone to cover your classroom while you “go”. This, of course, means said “classroom watcher”, and your entire class, will all be fully aware of how long it’s taking you to do your business. This unfortunate situation will become increasingly desperate should you become pregnant or be so bold as to eat the free PTO leftovers from last week for lunch. Though they really were great the first week!

2. Sunrise. Sunset. Sunrise. Sunset. (little Fiddler on the Roof for you–you’re welcome): You’ll go in early and stay really late tweeking and retweeking your delivery to students, grading tests, calling parents and planning weeks in advance. Some of you will watch the sun rise and set while in that building. Wait. That’s not true, since many of you won’t be going outside all day. In fact, it’s quite possible many of you don’t actually see sunlight throughout the work week in the winter months. Hot cocoa anyone? Yes, you should have extra marshmallows. You’ve earned it.

3. Lunchtime!: When it’s all said and done, you’ll get about 25 minutes for lunch everyday. Twenty if you count walking students to and from the cafeteria because who knows what shenanigans might commence if you weren’t there. So go crazy with your bad self for those 20 minutes–that’s in the contract, too.

4. Diet and Exercise: Because you are a teacher and very often neglect taking care of yourself due to always thinking about your students (and their test scores), you will fully justify eating a lunch of burnt coffee and Hershey’s kisses. If you want to win friends and influence colleagues in a school building, you will fully stock and supply these items. You KNOW this to be true. As for exercise, well, most of you get that only occasionally, while walking kids to and from said cafeteria, the office, the buses… You really try to get in some time on the treadmill before work, but since you’ll be heading in to school at 6:30 or 7:00 a.m., it’s not actually going to happen.

5. You’d like to go all Office Space on the copier: You will have unspoken wars with people you normally love and respect dearly–all because they’re monopolizing the copying machine during your planning period. The copier will break often. So will the other one. And the other one down on the other end of the building. No matter what you do, you will not be able to fix the copier without help. “Help” will gaze at you from on high like you’re an idiot–that’s if you have the guts to be honest with “Help” about breaking the copying machine(s) in the first place. What?

That Rizzo thing never works either. Never. Never ever.

6. What happens in the teachers’ lounge STAYS in the teachers’ lounge: We do vent some in the teachers’ lounge–it’s true. No one wants to admit it. If we didn’t, our marriages might suffer. But what really happens in the ‘ole lounge is the building of alliances and camaraderie. At times it feels like it’s “us vs. them”, so It’s nice to have the support of colleagues who can offer perspective and speak wisdom into a particularly difficult situation. Impromptu brainstorming sessions really do help. Yeah, that, and it helps to have someone who appreciates what that kid just had the nerve to say to you when you caught him cheating.

The truth really is stranger than fiction. Nobody could make up some of the crazy stuff kids do in the midst of adolescence. There is an element of The Lord of the Flies there. If only it were legal to video tape just one class… But alas. Alas.

7. Tum. Ta-Tum. Tum Tummmsssss!: Stress is a big part of the job. You care and worry about your students loooooonnnnnnnnng after they leave you. Sometimes your students break your heart and make you cry. All the way home. And in the driveway.

You’re really trying to reach your students, and it’s not easy to instill and impart knowledge and wisdom to kids who doodle Justin Bieber lyrics around the caricature he or she drew of an African anteater (name that movie!) instead of copying this week’s vocabulary down. If you have to take time out of your massive 20-25 minute lunch time to call home in order to address discipline or academic issues with parents, it’s because you’ve already tried everything your master’s degree in education taught you in order to reach the student. This is not something you take lightly as most parents don’t trust you when you call. Who are you kidding? You’re not going to eat lunch today.

8. Yeah, we get the summer off: The fact is that if teachers didn’t have the summer off, none of them would go back. We’re all trying to catch up on sleep and the lives we didn’t have throughout the school year. Before we enter into said hibernation and sometime social settings (not together), there will most likely be lots of talk about mixed drinks in code so as not to alert students of wild off-duty antics. Eh–who am I kidding with this one? Anyone? 

The truth is you wouldn’t have joined the profession if you hadn’t chosen to help kids. Period. Now you’re just waiting for the boot camp to be over.

9. Study up!: You’re a new student every year, too as the higher-ups reinvent the proverbial wheel, attaching new and colorful insights and semantics to topics like “reading” and–wait for it– “math”.

10. Test scores. Schmest scores!: No test score will ever tell the tale of how hard you worked or how loudly you laughed or how much you cared. Secret’s out of the bag. Now go empty your bladder–this is your last chance before 4:00 p.m. for a very long time. But you’re no stranger to sacrifices.

11. Sometimes you have to look away: If you had a nickel for every time you witnessed a kid picking his nose…

Much love to you out there. May you teach the young well, and may they keep you young at heart. Rarely is there something to rival the magic of a “teachable moment”, the glint of understanding between a teacher and his or her student. My hope for you this year is that those moments might be abundant and rich, much like the knowledge and wisdom you bring to your students. 

Yeah, I might very well miss it.