As for the rest of you, welcome to the questionable land of a mother’s psyche.

TARGET (a.k.a., home away from home)

A year ago, I entered the long-awaited promised land of motherhood. I get the distinct privilege of being home each and every day with O and Ro.

Who wouldn’t want that?

Observe:

Ro.

O.

See what I mean? Yeah.

I have also crossed over to a land where, let’s face it, I rarely leave the house. Such is the plight of the Mama of twins girls who’ve yet to start walking on their own–though I have NO desire to rush this time; it’s so unbelievably fun. Still, sometimes, a girl’s gotta GET OUT, yo.

Enter, the beacon in the night that is…

Ain’t she a looker?

Oh, and LOVE that Target sketch on SNL with Kristen Wiig. Love anything with Kristen Wiig.

I confess there was a time when my friends–members of my tribe–would describe Target (always and forever to be pronounced “Tar-zhay”–it’s owned by a French company, thank you very much, so now we’re totally justified in saying it that way) as a sort of oasis for those caring for the diaper-clad set.

Still being of the work-outside-the-home-and-have-no-offspring-yet mindset, I didn’t quite understand. Don’t get me wrong: who doesn’t love a little Target? But why were these women speaking of the mega-chain as if it were their very lifeline to the outside world? 

Because that’s exactly what it is, that’s why.

I remember one “lazy” afternoon making a dash over to the “T”, and running into a fellow tribal member, Leslie. So starved were we for adult conversation that we chatted in front of Customer Service for OVER AN HOUR. For reals. Much needed convo, Leslie–thanks again.

Another morning, tribal member Bethany helped me leave the nest with my two offspring and her girl, Lady M. I think she could sense downright desperation in my voice–a need to see more humans. Wouldn’t you know, we ran into  another member of the tribe, Alison, and her two heiresses, and–you guessed it–LESLIE again!

No one can say we aren’t consistent. 

Just the other night, I embarked on a solo show to THE destination as the hubs graciously put the girls to bed. Where else could I go to satisfy the need to see American over-consumerism/cute kids’ clothes and find a new exfoliator? Besides, it was also the only place open ’til 10:00 p.m.

Beggers can’t be choosers. Onward and upward!

This is a sampling of my general route around the store. Mind you, I never quite make it to the side with the food, etc.; it would be entirely too easy to justify some random brand of chocolate that I do not need. I’d also feel like I was cheating on the Toblerone, and I am nothing if not loyal to my chocolate bar.

That’s so twisted.

Anywho, upon entering said “oasis”, I encountered these little numbers in the “teen” section:

Nothing like a bikini to make a not-so-brand-new mother of twins feel a bit discouraged. Moving on…

To these:

These are some short dresses, yo. Women in your 30s, beware of the mini-dresses when placed within feet of the bikinis.

You might be tempted to think, “Not the bikini, but maybe I could pull this look off.” But you can’t, at least I can’t–I of the not-so-perky-anymore…

Walk away.

No. You may not even consider these, these… napkins disguised as shorts.

Are you kidding me with this length? These shorts are like the remnants of real shorts post-nuclear holocaust.

What on earth will be left to wear when O and Ro are teenagers? 

O and Ro are going to be teenagers…?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Must. Keep. Moving. 

Walk away and meet up with these slimming granny panties. Yikes!

What a slap in the face. Run, don’t walk to…

Wait–no!

That’s what got you even remotely considering the slimming/granny panties in the first place.

Though O and Ro were totally worth it!

That’s more like it. Tomorrow I’ll be back on that treadmill… huffin’ away.

Snicker. Ha! What a joke! Like the hubs ever has to work out to stay in his jeans. What a cruel, cruel joke.

And these. You’ve got to be kidding me with these.

Men: no woman wants a man who looks way skinnier than she does. (Not even you, hipsters.)

Please stop flaunting your gams so.

 

Sigh. How delectable are these?

When I think of what I want the girls’ childhood to be, I think these fit right in: fun, purposeful, dynamic, whimsical.

Hey, buddy!

Wow! This is where we were just a year ago.  

They’re growing up too fast. 

Maybe I shouldn’t have left them at home. I miss them. 

They could be wearing bras by the time I get back!

 

Hold up! This is more like it. Here’s a more current representation of today. Whew! That was a close one.

Oh, BOOKS!

Inspiration much? Love.

And this one. Who gets to eat glutenous/gluttonous pasta and pastries all day and look like that? 

Come out of the bitter barn, Kara.

This is the one I’m going to read just as soon as I find the extra time. 

In a couple of years.

Guess the movie will be out by then.

Better start looking for a sitter now…

Toys!

O and Ro just had a birthday and received all kinds of fantastic new toys. So fun!

Like this one:

Thanks, Mitch and Jeanne!

Thinking I might have to get this one:

Love this. Not fond of most cats, but love this.

Please don’t let that fact offend you, Cat People.

Ohhhhh, here’s where I’m meant to be:

How delicious would O and Ro be in this confection?

Stop it right now with these leggings. The hubs would want me to stay strong. Keep walking.

Well, look at the irony awaiting me at the end of the aisle, side by side:

Youth…

Meet the elixers of the not-so-youthful.

Acne cream meets wrinkle cream.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Speaking of my youth:

“Hello, Kitty!” Sweet.

Takes me back to a time when I could eat one of these sans guilt:

Who am I kidding? That day never existed!

What, are they mocking me now? Maybe I could…

And then I glance at these again:

Now THESE are mocking me.

Time for home. I miss the fam anyway.

Things are definitely different nowadays; they’re a whole lot more magical.

Case in point:

O.

Ro.

Peace out and A-men.