For the rest of you I offer: “Oh, No You Didn’t”

Those left behind in the wreckage

Ahhhhhhhhh… conflict. How much do we all love conflict? That much, huh? Me, too. There’s reason to run the other way when faced with a problem that’s seemingly insurmountable: it’s tough stuff, yo. It doesn’t make me a coward does it. Does it?

Please allow me to stand in front of a white board, dry erase marker in tow, for just a moment, while I explain the words behind the word that is “conflict”. Just humor this old has-been English teacher, won’t you?

The root word “flict” actually means “to strike”. Why does this immediately make me think of a snake attacking? I do have an unjustifiable phobia of them (although God did use the snake as the one creature to fully embody the devil–just sayin’). The hubs used to own two of THEM before I met him. Each and every time they’ve come up in “fun” anecdotes, I inform him that ours is a love that would have been deemed impossible had those two, two… two been around. I shudder to think about what his life would’ve been like without me. Poor fella. Crisis averted!

The other half of the word (the better and more civilized half, if you ask me), “con”, means “with or together”. So “conflict” means you, the protagonist, reluctant though you may be, will have been struck with some sort of a problem. It could also mean you have a problem with someone (i.e., you got some beef with your girl).

Sometimes injury is (quite literally) added to insult in a conflict between two people. While I can’t imagine wanting to physically harm someone myself, I do recognize that each person involved in the conflict sees themselves as the “protagonist” or the hero in his or her own story–“the good guy”. This inevitably makes the protagonist’s foe or enemy the “antagonist”.

It might help to remember it this way: “pro” means good and “anti” means against; therefore, whoever or whatever is working against the protagonist is the antagonist. At least from the protagonist’s perspective, anyway.

Of course, all bets are off from the antagonist’s point-of-view. That’s where it gets tricky, no? Because only in the likes of a Disney film are the roles so clearly defined, reason being the plot lines have to be simple enough for the short set to understand. Too bad we adults don’t fair much better in our attempts to digest conflict in our own lives, but oh, how quickly we can call out our “antagonists” on their junk. Index finger armed and readied…

When I used to teach plot structure in literature, I used to tell the story of a “cat fight” I’d encountered while teaching at a high school here in Nashville. I’d quickly run into the girls’ loo and was smack dab in the middle of … the aftermath. Hell hath no fury, right? Right.

Upon entering the restroom, I was met with a mound of weave, extensions, blood, Lee press-on nails, and–not to insult the other gal–acrylic tips (thus some of the blood). There was blood strewn about and smeared on walls, mirrors and bathroom stalls. It’s all so vivid even today. So what exactly went down?

Here’s the conversation as best I can surmise in my twisted imagination:

Exposition (background story): Girl 1 and Girl 2 have been friends forever. Girl 1 has been dating Boy for a couple of months now. She has been neglecting her relationship with Girl 2 in order to cater to the newfound “love” she’s found with Boy. Boy, however, is not the committed type and has been creeping on Girl 2 behind Girl 1′s back. The dog.

How could Girl 2 feel justified in doing this? Because she feels wronged by her friend, Girl 1, who could so easily set aside their friendship for some guy. Seem oversimplified? Have you forgotten this is high school? And don’t forget: everyone is the protagonist in his or her own story and justifies their behavior in light of that.

Inciting Incident (a call for the protagonist to enter into action): Girl 1 finds out Boy has been calling/creeping/texting/direct messaging and posting to Girl 2′s wall. Oh, no, he didn’t.

Conflict: Now Girl 1 is forced to address the problem that Boy and Girl 2, her BFF, have been hittin’ the froyo joint after school. Worse yet, Girl 1 is the last to know.

At this point, we begin the “rising action”, best described as tiny little conflicts creating more and more tension in the conflict between the two Girls (and Boy if he gets what’s comin’ to him–though he rarely does). It might be worth mentioning at this stage in the game that something very similar happened to me in high school–sorry you solely took the fall for that one Girl 2, but I think we’ve sort of reconnected nicely, right? Not sure if the froyo was a part of it… By the way, has anyone noticed that froyo places are like the new coffee shops? It’s crazy, all the talk of the froyo establishments here is Nashvegas. But I digress.

The rising action will eventually give way to the climax (think “big fight scene”). Another quick aside: can you imagine teaching “rising action” and “climax” to a group of eighth graders, class after class, day after day, year after year? Sometimes, I’d just wanna laugh, too, but you can’t, yo. I couldn’t… until now: “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”

Thanks for that. I’ve needed to get that out of my system for eight years. 

I believe I stumbled upon the aftermath of the climax in Girl 1 and Girl 2′s conflict when I ran into that restroom. Perhaps after a rising action that entailed she-said/she-said mini-conflicts, texts, Tweets and Facebook rants, the Girls met up to settle the score, and unfortunately, it got a bit physical.

Note to Girls: there is no boy worth you losing a decent manicure and expensive hair over–not in high school. Not ever. Real men do not evoke this behavior. Stepping off the soap box, oh, so carefully.

Okay, stay with me. So far we’ve been dealing with only one type of conflict, Man vs. Man, where both the protagonist and the antagonist are people. But there are other conflicts like: Man vs. Nature (hurricane, volcanic eruption, 500-year flood), Man vs. Society (genocide), and Man vs. Self (the inner conflicts like addictions, for example), just to name a few.

Regardless of the type of conflict, though, we, the imperfect protagonist, always want someone to blame. Somebody, anybody to blame. To point the finger at. Give the finger to.

So how do you deal with the person who’s wronged you? And what on earth do you do when there’s seemingly no one to hurl the blame at? Aye, there’s the rub. Ouch.

And while we protagonists long to shoot daggers elsewhere, sometimes we have to start at home, know what I’m saying? In the midst of the “Blame Game” we can miss the importance of entering into conflicts in the first place–and all the good that can come from them.

Being a grownup human is hard. Just being honest.

More to come, but in the meantime, I’d love to hear your thoughts on conflict. What do you usually find yourself up against? What conflicts keep coming back up and what conflicts are you waiting to pass (while kicking and screaming–oh, that’s just me)?

Humbly and with a renewed respect for the beauty regimens of my sex,

Kara