Recently, it’s been brought to my attention that some folks are annoyed by glutenites (my word for people who must avoid eating gluten for health purposes). This is quite understandable as people with food allergies and intolerances are usually whining about what they can’t eat and imposing their “food rules” on the innocent and non-digestively challenged. We limit the menu at dinner parties and shorten the list of venues our tribes can frequent with us in tow.

We’re a foodie’s wet blanket and an out-right pain in the fanny. Myself included. I remember trying to double date one Valentine’s Day with our buds Chris and Bethany soon after I was diagnosed with some awful thing that limited what I could eat. I was literally terrified to eat anything that may or may not have tracings of the foods on my “no-no list.” Man, I was a drag! Our poor friends. Oh, the patience of the hubs.

Looking back, I realize I was a little hyper-sensitive toward the foods that I’m hyper-sensitive toward (huh?), but I’m also gonna cut myself some slack; I think anyone in my position of “newly diagnosed” would’ve felt the same way.

At the heart (stomach, really) of my issues is a condition called Leaky Gut Syndrome, which is thought to contribute to the spurring on of autoimmune diseases and worsen the symptoms of them. Without getting into any more of the technical jargon, I will tell you it’s simply a condition where the lining of the digestive tract/gut is compromised and permeated. Some foods weaken the gut–foods like gluten.

Sounds like a complete crock doesn’t it? I KNOW! I thought the same thing over twelve years ago when some holistic whackadoodle gave me the diagnosis of Leaky Gut after I’d spent far too much money trying to find out why I felt like the dregs every minute of every day of my ever livin’ life. She never did actually explain things to me, that I shouldn’t eat certain foods that would exacerbate my symptoms. Instead, she sold me a ton of those expensive supplements. Still no improvement.

From doctor to doctor and whackadoodle quack to whackadoodle quack I went, looking for someone to give me the answer to all my ailments, sort of like that children’s book Are You My Mother? only I was asking, “Will you be the one to tell me what’s wrong? Can you fix me?” A decade later I got my answer. Boy did I get it … and in spades.

Guess they’re whackadoodles no more. (For the record, my medical doctor has even instructed me to not eat a whole slew of things–gluten’s just the tip of the iceberg.)

Here’s the thing: without getting into unnecessary (I never do spell that word correctly the first time–that and “embarrassment”) details, I definitely feel better without gluten in my life. There’s no doubt about it. I think that’s the argument for a lot of folks who’ve eliminated it, with or without an official diagnosis or someone telling them they should kick gluten to the curb.

Make no mistake though; the “gluten-free club” is not one that I want to be a member of. Au Contraire, Mon Frere! I’d be a glutenous glutton again in a heartbeat. 

To be honest, I wish the “gluten-free diet” would fall off everyone’s radar and leave me alone–I’m getting that whackadoodle rap, too. Boo to the hype. On the other hand, I feel really fortunate to be living in a time of awareness about the protein that causes some like me some unwanted issues. For now, gluten is the new sugar/hotness, and so all kinds of gluten-free alternatives and recipes have come forth to rescue those less than gut-fortunate. That’s my gain.

But in turn, I recognize the pain of inconvenience my dietary restrictions have caused some of the nearest and dearest folks in my life. With you in mind (you especially, Hubs!) I vow the following:

1. To quit complaining about my food limitations.

2. To have an arsenal of potentially suitable restaurants at the ready for when we go out.

3. To have real restaurants for #2, not just those with salads, though I do love the safety of a salad. I’ll be braver! Gulp.

4. To continue to compromise when I can.

5. To continue to find recipes for downright delicious goodies like those in Babycakes, so that no one has to suffer. Not me. Not you, either.

6. To stop talking about gluten beyond posting recipes. Period. (This is for you tribe! I’m really gonna try!)

Food businesses and restaurants, I’d like to say I’m sorry. Truly–not sarcastically–sorry you’ve been bombarded with requests for gluten-free goodies. You go into business providing great products, delectable things really, and all of a sudden it’s not good enough. I get it. I really do. Thing is I don’t think this gluten issue is going anywhere (case in point: Chelsea Clinton’s gluten-free wedding cake from New York bakery La Tulipe Desserts–to the right).

Gluten’s just related to too many illnesses like: Celiac’s disease, rheumatoid arthritis, multiple sclerosis, fibromyalgia, thyroid disease, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Chrohn’s disease … True, these diseases don’t affect many (thank goodness!), but there are more and more people who plead they feel better without gluten. It might be worth having just one item on your menu for folks like that. If not, then we, the ones with the issues, should shut up and ship out. End of story.

My fellow glutenites: we need to stop making everyone else suffer along with us! Beware of your/my ability to sometimes be annoying. Of course, the persons most annoyed with our food sensitivities are, well, us. As for the haters who tell us to simply stop eating bread, let them eat cake (please eat a slice in my stead)! But let us eat our cake, too.

(I have a few good recipes…)

Gluten-PACKED Giveaway:

To prove there is no animosity toward you with pristine digestion and the establishments which cater to you, I will tell you I am writing this from Panera Bread, which has given me an idea. I would like to offer a year of free bread to someone who can really enjoy it for me. That’s right. No hard feelings. I’m out of the bitter barn and just want someone to enjoy a loaf of crusty bread on me every month for the next year.

So, if you love gluten as much as I do but can actually eat it, please briefly describe your favorite baked good (in detail–I kid!) in the comments section or email me at kara@masterofwhat.com (’cause I know some of you are shy). Next Friday, I’ll announce the winner, and send the goodness your way.