Newsflash: Christians do say “no-no” words. You know the ones; the kind that ended up on the bathroom stalls at school. The kind that seep out so easily–just like breathing, actually–whilst being cut of by that *%#@!$#. Those words.

Not that I do.

But on the rarest of occasions.

Okay, I’ll just say it for all of us. Cussing is vulgar. When you contemplate the meaning of the actual word and its derivation, cussing is most definitely nasty. But, oh, how freely the waters do flow, do they not?

We even have our favorites, don’t we? The ones with the plosives are best, I try to intellectualize. Some are just more satisfying to say.

It’s even cool to theorize that Christians who cuss are more “real” and down to earth than the rest of them (Like that, how Christians put the “judge” down on each other? Nice touch.)

It doesn’t seem too bad. We can manage it all. Until the kids arrive. Then just the thought of one of those babes uttering one of the “no-no” words you occasionally let slip is enough to keep you up at night. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

That’s when it’s time to break out the big guns–the “swear jars.” Together, within the fam or community of willing friends, you will beat this effing* thing, this cussing. At the very least, you’ll save up for a really nice dinner. Date night!

The Christian community does a fine job of coming up with it’s own phrases, a way of “faking” it. Here’s a list (ongoing and growing, natch) of my favorite ways to circumvent the nasty, the no-no, and the vulgar:

1. “Oh, my gosh” (OMG)– Old standby, but we shouldn’t neglect the bedrock of this whole enchilada.

2. “Gosh darn it”–Close cousin of the aforementioned.

3. “Shoot”–Watch your head, folks. It’s dangerous up in her’.

4. “Crap”–It’s actually kinda nasty when you think about what you’re saying. Gulp. Shake head emphatically while scrunching up face.

5. “H-E-double-hockey-sticks”–Fo shizzle the only time I uttered the word “hockey” in junior high.

6. “Frack”–My parents called our twins “Frick and Frack” while still in utero. Mom, I’m still offended. Ever wondered how annoying this word would be if actually used instead of the original; allow me to introduce you to Battlestar Gallactica. Just when I’d start to get into a scene, out came this frackin’ word.

7. “Friggin’”–This one conjures up memories of a simpler time. Adolescence.

8. “Shut the front door”–This one has all the elements of the ultimate “fake-out.” You’ve got most of the same consonants starting the words out. Extra score for the wittiness and guts it takes to come “this close” to the real mccoy, only to deliver the “psyche!”

9. “Fo shizzle”–Never underestimate Snoop Dogg’s version of Pig Latin and the depth/breadth of its influence over us all.

10. “Whuck”–I must confess this is my favorite, delivered straight from the mouth of Tina Fey on 30 Rock. I’ll never forget that first blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment when Fay nonchalantly let this nugget slip. Well done.

Just to drive home what you were already thinking, that “The Tina” and I have so much in common, are kindred spirits, and could like totally finish one another’s sentences if only given the chance, here’s a sampling of Fey’s own dilemma with cursing. Earlier this year, she told Esquire magazine, “I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it’s a little unseemly for a woman of a certain age. But then once you hit 65, you can hit it full tilt again and it’s charming.” Betty White, anyone?

And then Fey let loose the little nugget listed at #10, saying, “We have a new one we’re going to try out. You never know if it’s going to stick. It’s an expression of extreme shock: ‘Whuck?’” That’s one clever broad.

11. “Fhut to the Whuck”–This one hails from the mind of a friend, Chad. Note the use of Fey’s humor, but far before Fey even conceived of it. A stroke of brilliance, really. Nicely done, Chad.

12. “Jackhole”–I do love this one, though I’ve never used it. I admire the way it marries two more negative slang words to give us this warm fuzzy of a safe alternative.

13. *”Effing”–I’m going to argue this may be the smartest and most efficient use of the “fake-out,” It’s less offensive than the original, but gives almost as much satisfaction–if you really mean it.  And you do really mean it, right?

Good times. Good times. I cannot say that cussing is gone from these lips completely, but I can say that I’m more cognizant and will do what I can to really reign it in. I do NOT want the baby ladies to pick up on this bad habit, because heaven knows I’ll be subconsciously passing along enough of my junk, quite unwillingly, mind you. Hypothetically, of course.

Did I leave out a favorite of yours? Well, tell me then, *$%@*!%!

And then there’s this. Psalm 19:14: “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to You, LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.” Snap.

Oh, heaven help us all. What do you think? Are the alternatives enough, or are we faking something else? Or do we just do the best we can, knowing there’s some reverb to this language?

Because sometimes an a** is an a** is an a**. I’m just trying to limit my time in the sunshine, know what I’m sayin’?